Plenty of Fish

Cocktails

I’ve yet to see The Shape of Water — all the references I hear are about fucking fish. While I’ve never fucked a fish, I’ve been on a date with a whole school of them in New York. From the guy with a canny resemblance to Tuna to those overly fixated on blowholes, I’ve caught & released plenty of fish — but have yet to reel in an Aquaman fully capable of flippin’ my fin to full fillet.

While there has been the occasional date where a guy preemptively whips out his swordfish — or more unfortunately — their guppy, I’ve kept swimming through the dating pool. Turns out, shooting fish into my barrel isn’t as easy as it sounds.

Rather than show you the fish that represents each of these dates, I decided to focus on the fish that most accurately fit my impressions and reactions to recent dates: the good, the bad and the scaly.

Without further due, enjoy a taste of my naughty-cal adventures:

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When you’re so bored, hit the G-pen in the bathroom, come back and silently stare at the appetizer menu for 10 minutes

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If I knew I’d dip after one vodka soda, I wouldn’t have shaved my whole body.

b4

When he was great but then said he supports Boston sports team and is now just a liar

b2
When he says he never understood the “hype” of Harry Potter
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When he asks for my interests, I talk about writing, and he clarified he meant BDSM or just vanilla.

b6

Please stop talking about fortnight.

b8

When he takes you home, but failed to mention he still lives at home

b9

When he makes more than $100K

b10

When it’s 500K

 

 

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Main image via Pinterest

My Old Fashioned

Cocktails, Top Shelf

You sat at the bar, I walked past, then back again,

Your energy, intoxicating, an addiction began.

You nursed my heart, I melted like ice.

You offered to pick up the next round, I said yes, twice.

Your aura entranced me, your face,

your eyes,

filled me.

You freed me from fears, flights, and I couldn’t fight

as they fell behind me.

You pulled me closer, smelling of woods with warm liquor on your lips.

You felt spins through the night, your strong hands guiding my hips.

You’d tell me that old fashions are your favorite drink; I promised you’d always be mine.

But through a drunken haze, it became clear,

Your power to poison me, the potency, filled me with fear.

You had my heart,

on reserve,

until you asked for the check.

You pulled away, I yelled last call,

You shut the door.

Now I’m left, sitting alone, always, waiting for

You.

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You Are What You Drink

Cocktails, Manhattan

Working as a writer bartender in the city provides an incredible people-watching experience. Similarly to how dog owners sometimes look like their pets, I’ve found drink orders often match the patron. Suits order top shelf vodka, girls who Instagrammed this bathing suit get Rosé (all day) and peasants get bud lite drafts. When making a first impression, such as on a first date, don’t forget your drink represents who you are.

So booze wisely.

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Yeah…bro.

This post is inspired by one girl on a first date who stared at the bar for 15 minutes and asked for just a “Cranberry Vodka.” Oh my Guinness. Were not in college anymore, Toto.

Plus, we’re all even using real IDs now.

Get it together.

Let’s say your next Tinder date orders a draft beer, a Long Island or a top shelf whiskey neat, it will shift your impression of them. Which is fair, considering all you’ve confirmed about them in person is their real height and current hairline situation.

So from the other side of the bar, I recommend the following:

1. Titos | Stick to this vodka, if you met on Bumble, are both young professionals and want to seem on-trend and “healthy” (it’s hand-made! and gluten free!). Also, if you’re drinking any vodka besides Titos nowadays, how did your finals week go?

2. Jameson | Jameson is the best whiskey value and has with hints of honey, tobacco, graham crackers and vanilla…according to Google.

Mix it with ginger ale or coke. If you’re taking shots, mix with sour mix, sprite and Peach Schnapps. Somehow, it tastes like Green Tea. Really. 

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When the Molly gravity hits >>>

Also, and not making plans here, but if I were to dye my hair red & become a stripper, Jameson Ginger would be a great stage name for me.

3. Stella | It’s nice to enjoy drinking beer and seeming chill in front of guys… but really, you don’t and you’re not. But there’s an Artois form to making your date start Belgium out of his pants.

Forced puns aside, Stella’s light, commonly on draft and comes in a fancy goblet Chalice and out of all beers, tastes the least like beer, if you know what I mean. Cheers, princess.

4. Casa Migos | You’re openly trying to get drunk. Because it’s Tinder and he has nice arms and a tattoo that’s only mildly stupid. Order a round of this tequila every time you get the urge to go home, listen to Drake’s old music and call your ex. You can get as drunk as you like and still feel classy because this Tequila is organic. It’s practically a Mexican salad, but maybe don’t say that out loud.

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Welcome to My House Party

Cocktails, Manhattan, Top Shelf

As a bartender, I spend enough hours pouring alcohol in a loud place that I have little desire to be in this setting without the incentive of a cash tips. Unfortunately, so much of socializing takes place over food and drinks that it’s hard to find a good time with neither present.

You might not like the notion that socializing with strangers requires drinking, but you know what is worse when you are out?

Talking to people sober.

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The hard truth is we rely on alcohol like a form of social lube and much like sex, socializing when you feel dry is just. Too. Damn. Painful.

Rather than trying other mind-altering substances, I have just mostly stopped going out. I expected to feel upset about missing out on the party until I realized I am the party and that wine tastes even better from my couch. I foot more of my own drinking bill, but its good to take a break from going tit for tab at the bar. (That is when I use cleavage to make men pay for my drinks).

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In this economy, anything goes

Since joining Team #JOMO I’ve been reaping the endless benefits for my mind, body and soles of my favorite boots. I miss so little of my old partying routine and am relieved to get in bed before midnight on a Saturday. Does this mean I am starting to grow up?

Clues from Last Night

Rolling over and seeing the product of your night laying next to you is never a good feeling, be it a guy or an empty box of pizza.

When girls drunk text, it goes in one of three directions.

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But by staying home in sweatpants I am significantly less emboldened then when I am drowning in a sea of couples with only a shot glass and my iPhone to cling to.

Eat now or you will spend the next day trapped in bed hungover like Steven Hawking after a homecoming.

– What I tell myself

All You Can Eat & Then Some
The only thing that has blown up larger in the last year than my midsection are Kylie Jenner’s lips. But until she releases some sort of miracle Hip Kit, staying in on weekends has helped me cool it with the calories.

Alcohol isn’t the issue because I usually stick to something relatively low calorie like tequila or whiskey shots. I could probably manage to take a few shots a day without going up a size in jeans, but the drinks are only the warmup.

The issue starts when I leave a bar, pass a pizza place or a diner and feel a need to deep throat a plate of chicken tenders. My drunken self is persuaded that maybe I drank too much and the only way out is through, specifically a fast food drive-through.

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I will eat until I decide I may have gone too far then instantly decide I need to start working them off, like now. The best way to burn calories from something you put in your mouth is to put something with no calories in my mouth.

“I’d say stop acting like a dick, but you are what you eat”

-Me, to the mirror

Burn, Baby Burn! 

Drinking water….is usually not the option I would choose at 3 a.m.

Sure, taking the new extension of the Q train uptown makes it more convenient to ride the D train all night, but ordering some Insomnia from my bed is a lot less efffort, plus I’m much more likely to finish.

Did you know that sex burns about 300 calories an hour, but only afterwards if you don’t pee?

While booty calls seem like a great idea in the moment, looking like the result of a crossover episode between The Walking Dead and Ru Paul’s Drag Show on the way home isn’t worth it. There is a simple beauty to staying in for a night, knowing the only thing I’ll get my face comes from a Sephora tube.

Who’s with me?

 

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The Bachelorette: Celebrity Edition

Cocktails, Pop Culture

Hooray! Rachel Lindsay is the new Bachelorette.

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YAS Rachel

The 31-year-old lawyer, gorgeous, uncharacteristrially down-to-earth for the Bachelor and seriously has her shit together. Honestly, I’d love to be her when I grow up.

While her and Nick have chemistry on the current season, it became clear that while they did share spark, but it was mostly coming off of her. She’s vibrant, definitely there for the right reasons and has arms that would make Michelle Obama put on a sweater.

ABC usually holds off until after the Bachelor finale to announce the new Bachelorette. Instead, they broke tradition and made the announcement with Jimmy Kimmel on Monday, so if you missed it and live in NYC you’ll probably see it the next time you take a cab. This announcement came as a surprise considering Rachel is still dating Nick on the show.

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Oh, and spoilers.

Choosing a black rachelorette bachelorette is a huge step for the franchise, but hopefully this change doesn’t result in next season’s Bachelorette being orange.

The announcement is usually after the Bachelor finale, so I thought I had a few more weeks to get my draft picks in order.

Much like Celebrity Apprentice and Worst Cooks in America, reality show seasons featuring celebrities seem a little more special. So let’s just say that if Rachel walks away from the role, I have celebrities in mind who are perfect to take over. They agreed to it already and everything.

Bachelorette Nominees: Celebrity Edition 

5. Klohe Kardashian

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Back in 2012, Klohe married Lamar Odom after just 30 days together. At the very least, we need not worry about her struggling with the idea of getting engaged after only six weeks of filming.

Per her request, her season would be the first to feature a cast of entirely black guys. The hybrid Bachelorette-Kardashian season means we won’t need Chris Harrison to tell us this will be the Bachelorette’s most dramatic season yet.

 

4. Tiffany Trump

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Like Klohe K, Tiffany’s family has a penchant with drama and reality shows, making her a perfect fit for The Bachelorette. Since Donald may not live in the White House himself, maybe the Bachelor mansion can be given a season off in favor of filming in D.C. Would it be too weird if the fantasy suite is booked at Washington’s new Trump Hotel?
If the season does not go well, producers can always swap in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s daughter. I hear she’s a huge rating machine.

 

3. Cara Delevingne

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The openly bisexual star would be the first to have both men and women competing for her affection on the show. If she is single by the time casting begins, there is no human that wouldn’t scramble to audition for her season.Just don’t expect her to take the winner’s name – her’s is already trademarked.

 

2. Mindy Kaling

1392b38b-6434-4961-8bac-0371c2f52da1-697-000001ce4aa3629d_tmp One of the most acclaimed aspects of Nick’s season so far is the increased diversity of the cast. Two of the front runners, Danielle L. and new Bachelorette Rachel, both have minority backgrounds and have been two of the most popular contestant with fans.

Bachelor Nation warming up to the more diverse cast paves the way for a more body positive bachelorette. Who more fitting than Mindy? Finding the humor in being single and curvy is a huge part of Mindy Kaling’s brand, so watching her find love will be as entertaining as it would be a cultural milestone.

 

1. Raquel the Nanny

88ac6d8f-209a-4a30-9258-e89eaab96fd6-697-000001ce46f9f5b8_tmp Okay okay, she might not be a “celebrity” but has a kickstarter in her name, so that is famous enough for me. Besides, what makes a woman more of a catch than mastering a cheese pasta recipe and cutting cucumber slices like a Ninja? Nanny Raquel (left) can keep this season’s most high-maintenance contestant happy, she deserves her own series, let alone a season. Between preparing Corinne’s bed and meals, giving 25 men attention equal would be easier than taking candy from a baby, as opposed to just serving it to one.

Raquel is shown in footage from next week’s Hometown episode preview. Do you think Raquel makes cheese pasta or cut vegetables to help lock down Nick for Corinne? Would Nick just move in with Corinne’s family? Could Nick give the rose to Raquel? I have so many questions and not enough patience to get to next week for this.

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Every Bachelorette knows you can’t spell propose without that rose

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Bach At It

Cocktails

The 2017 Bachelor Nick Viall is about to sit back and let 30 women compete for enough airtime to snag endorsement deals after the show. This season brings the most women in the mansion, one of the oldest bachelors and the fourth engagement ring Nick’s picked out on national television.

There was going to be 31 women on this season, but I pulled out.

A first time for everything!

A Bachelor in Paradise?

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Similar but different

For those of you with jobs, Nick was chosen as bachelor after being runner-up on both Kaitlin Bristowe and Andi Dorfman’s seasons of the Bachelorette, which means he proposed to and was rejected by both on National Televison.

He then almost proposed to Jen Saviano in Bachelor in Paradise this past summer. After going as far as picking out a ring for Jen, producers swept in offscreen and offered him trade his girlfriend for 30 shiny new ones and a sizable check.

He broke the news to her on camera, naturally.

If the women of this season can be sure of anything, it’s that the final ring is going to be amazing. Nick is to failed proposals like Ross from Friends is to divorce- its just their thing. 

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My heart says yes, but the producers said no

On The Most Dramatic Season of the Bachelor Ever..

After doing a first pass of the 30 ladies, it;s clear that a love for Dolphins and/or The Little Mermaid are to Nick’s season as the fade haircut was to Jojo’s suitors.

Something Fishy

Multiple ladies list their favorite animals as dolphin, with a front runner flipper showing up in a Dolphin suit. Dolphin girl is from right outside my city and even though the suit looks dolphinitely more like a shark, I am pretty sure she is great and we would be best friends.

One thing that is different this season is that they got women with real jobs, as opposed to past seasons with jobs listed as “cat mom” and “nail artist.” This season includes multiple lawyers and doctors, a pro athlete, business owners and teachers, so there are multiple contenders for a strong Bachelorette next season.

Like most people I barely know, I have already judged these women on scocial media and selected my early favorites, roses, and questionable casting choices, thorns, alike.

I am going mostly on looks and obscure facts about each, so bear with me for real impressions until the show airs, okay?

Early Roses

Angela | Model

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As a model, I question if she meant to go on Americas Next Top Model and accidentally went to the wrong audition and just went with it once cast. Like many models after their prime, Angela hopes to be a stay at home mom.  Here’s to a lifetime of love and Botox! Nonetheless, I think she is the prettiest of this season, therefore an early favorite.

Shallow, but I told you that was going to happen.

Danielle L. | Small Business Owner

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Looking like a genetic compilation of Andi, Kristen and Jen will either make or break her chances. There isn’t a lot about her answers that stood out, but being exactly Nick’s type will work in her favor. She owns her own business, so supporting Nick once the franchise’s money runs dry isn’t out of the question just yet.

Jasmine B. | Flight Attendant

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Last year, Lauren B, another flight attendant, won Ben Higgins heart and 1.4 million new Instagram followers. Will Jasmine be the one to fly follow in her footsteps? These girls know how to work their way around a bachelors cockpit. I am rooting for her to make it to the Fantasy Suite so I can make a joke about Nick’s snake on her plane.

Early Thorns
Christen | Wedding Videographer

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She’s starting off more red flag than rose. If the first thing America learns about you is that you wants to “break into the white house and spend months sleeping in a storage closet and observing what actually goes on behind closed doors,” you are not off to a good start. Now that she’s stopped filming weddings to be filmed essentially competing to get married, we can expect a shady start.

Elizabeth |  Doula

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To sound relatable, Elizabeth included in her fun facts that she would never like to kill someone. Same?

No word on if that is because she loves it, but its reasonable if Nick is not inclined to give her an early one-on-one date, just to be safe.

Vanessa | Special Ed teacher

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Not only is she from Canada (actually, it’s probably more embarrassing nowadays to be from the U.S) but she said her favorite vegetable is an onion because they’re “stable item and can be found year round.” The onion itself doesn’t bother me as much as the explanation why. When Shrek answers that question better than you do, you’re not making it far past the cocktail reception.

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They have layers, sometimes balayage

So while I stock up on White Girl Rose in preparation for our January 2 premiere, I will keep an ear out for early spoilers. There is no telling who may win Nick’s heart by the end of the season, but it is also exciting to keep in mind that our next Bachelorette and cast members for Bachelor in Paradise for next summer. The best is still yet to cum.

The Final Prose 

Quick last note, I cannot stop laughing at this promo image:

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Predicted Splits 2k17

Cocktails, Manhattan

Happy December!

Good news is that only weeks remain in one of the strangest years of human history. As the holidays approach, the country is more strung up and lit than the Rockefeller Tree. Everyone’s holiday wish lists include traveling back to a simpler time, like the 90’s, when our country’s biggest issues were Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and dial-up internet.

There’s a notion that the end of 2016 will be the end of madness.

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Calm is the new Fetch

Following Trump’s presidency, the Cubs world series victory and Brexit, the Bragelina split was a refreshing headline. Two years ago, that breakup would have rocked headlines for months. Instead, we all were surprised they lasted this long, shed a single tear and went back to tweeting #NeverTrump. My biggest hope for 2017 is that it’s the type of year where we have the energy to care about these types of things.

As an early holiday gift to you, I present my predicted celebrity splits in the year to come. It might not be the holiday cheer you were expecting, but is there anything better than other people’s drama to take the focus off your own?

1. Hillary and Bill Clinton

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In the last few decades, there have been as many divorce rumors as names on their body count. Between Bill’s Lewinkys, Flowers and Furtwänglers, Hillary would have been a feminist champion for leaving him, but needed the Clinton brand for her campaign.

If Hillary Rodham were to leave the Clinton name off her ballot, she would not have made it near the primaries. With the election behind her, there is no political gain to staying married to her unfaithful husband.

Best case scenario, single 69-year-old Hillary teams ups with 61-year old Kris Jenner for a season-long special: Kris and Hillz take Boca Raton. Only on E! And HuffPost Live!

Speaking of the Kardashians…

2. Tyga + Chyna + Rob + Kylie

To catch you up to speed:

  • Chyna and Rob pulled a MLK Jr. and had a baby Dream last
  • Chyna’s other son King, who has the most Kardashian name, isn’t one
  • Kylie and Tyga (King’s dad) have been more on-and-off and painful to watch than a brazilian wax
  • Rob may or may not be still texting other bitches
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Jury’s still out on this one.

It’s hard to Keep Up with who is dating who here, but I doubt any of them will be speaking in a year. Either that or the four of them will move into a house and film “Rob and Kylie Take Shit to A New Level” and go up against Game of Thrones to win the Emmy for Best Sibling Incest.

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3. Taylor and Drake

I KNOW I KNOW they aren’t official. But if Drake is instagramming a new girl, we know he has already confessed his love once and cried twice. I love both as artists and while I wouldn’t want either to go through a painful breakup, can you IMAGINE how good the music we could get out fo this next year?

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Drizzy, T-Swizzy and questionable flash tattoos

4.Bachelor Couples: Jordan and Jojo & “Grace” tattoo twins Grant and Lace

If Wonderbread Ben Higgins called off his wedding plans with Lauren Bushnell (spoilers), do any bachelor couples, or any of us, deserve love? Ben was smitten with Lauren since the cocktail party but then dragged her through saying I love you to both Lauren and Jojo Fletcher. After all that, I would have guessed that Lauren, the flight attendant, would have been prepared to take off.

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Do you get it

Ben’s love reject Jojo became the Bachelorette and is now engaged to football’s reject Jordan Rogers. Her fiancée has proven himself very dedicated to proving to the world that he definitely didn’t go on the show to improve his chances of becoming a football commentators (the “those who cant do” for athletes).

By the way Jordan, congrats on that new gig.

Jojo favored Jordan as obviously as Ben did Lauren as soon as the contestants stepped out of their limos, but Lauren didn’t go on the show as a career move. The likelihood of Jojo and Jordan making it down the isle is about the same odds Jordan and Aaron Rogers kissing and making up before the Super Bowl. It is a nice idea, but at the end of the day the love will dry up as soon as the endorsement deals do as well.

Meanwhile in paradise, Grace was the first solid paradise match but spent half the time bickering. Rather, Grant stared adoringly at Lace while she told him he repeated himself too often. If these two couldn’t stop fighting as a new couple in paradise, how are they supposed to be in a married couple in California?

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Update: Grace has called it quits because they’re dedicated Single Malt followers and took my advice.

Proud of you two.

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Somewhat Catfished

Cocktails, Manhattan, Top Shelf

While visiting New York before moving to the city, I matched with Jason* on JSwipe. He was tall with dark, brooding eyes, worked at David Barton Fitness.* He was funny and seemed really sweet. We texted on and off for a few months and I was excited that my move could include a solid new guy.

I felt as though he was putting off seeing me, which was confusing since he reminded me on a daily basis how much he liked me and how great we would be together. I finally called him out on the fact we never made plans, not interested in wasting more time.

Pop Quiz Jason was putting off plans because….

A) Jason had a girlfriend and I was a blind side-chick. Sad! 

B) Jason gained more than 100 lbs than shown in his pictures

C) Jason was a 65-year-old man with an Amy Winehouse lookalike fetish

D) Jason failed to mention he was originally ~Jessica~

Pick an answer? Let’s see what happened: 

“It is not that I don’t want to see you,” he said. “It’s just that I have gained a little weight since the photos that you matched with me on last year.”

Who Guessed B?!

“That’s ridiculous,” I said, hearing this as good news if anything. I had worried that Jason, a David Barton employee, would be too ripped to like my love handles. Besides, how much weight could he gain in a year?

“I honestly don’t care. I like talking to you and I am sure you look fine.” I said, feeling my least shallow, maybe ever.

He suggested we go to Tokyo Fireballs* in Brooklyn* that Friday night, known for its psychedelic walls, live musical performances and bomb hand rolls.

He picked me up for dinner, I got in his car and nearly gasped. He was easily more than 100 lbs heavier than the photos he sent me. He admitted gaining a little weight, which to me means 10 lbs, not squared. I decided to just focus on what would be a nice meal, because he has to like food…

Fast forward to Tokyo Fireballs 

Jason ordered one sushi roll said he was not super hungry.

Oh, this is where you decide to go on a diet?

We made small talk at our table but the witty, sweet guy I had spoken endlessly to on the phone disappeared – perhaps eaten by the guy I was seated alongside.

Now that we have that out of the way of saying more about him I will simply compare him to one of my favorite characters in Mulan. 

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He would be the one in green. Beef, Pork, Chicken is right

I struggled to converse with Jason all night as he stared nervously at his plate and mumbled back. I did learn was that he still worked at David Barton, at the front desk. He also lived home, which he neglected to mention. Very cool.

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Survival Skills

I tried to imagine the HR situation at David Barton as he continued to gained weight and was the first person to greet members by in their haven of wellness. Just a thought.

My highlight of the night was that Jason knew the general manager who swung by our table to check in on our meal. I was instantly attracted to the GM Aaron*, a more successful, sexier looking version of Jake Jigelski (played by Bryan Greenberg) from One Tree Hill. Even better, the manager himself was Jewish, so we could get married one day!  

Mazal Tov to me. 

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Actor/God, Bryan Greenberg

Brexit: A Blogger Exits

On any first date, my roommate is reliable for a fake emergency phone call. I texted her a quick SOS, but she didn’t answer by the time our bill came.

Still awaiting my escape call, Jason and I got in the car back to my place. There was somewhat pre-actual-date idea of “watchig Netflix or something” after dinner.

It won’t shock you to learn that my mind had steadily changed by that point.  I was hoping  he would still drop me home considering it was no more than 10 degrees outside. We got in the car and continued to make small talk. I was internally debating between giving him a side hug or just a soft hand tap and thank you.

Now despite barely speaking during dinner, we got in the car and he asked if I had a movie in mind.

Wait. This is going well to you?

As we sat parked outside my apartment, I edged myself toward the door and thanked him for a lovely night. At this point my roommate hadn’t called and he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

My phone finally rang and I put my roommate on speaker, she ranted how her boyfriend just broke up with her (not true), she was on her way home (also not true) and needed ice cream (possibly true).

I apologized to Jason for cutting our great night short. He asked if we could go out again next week, I said sure, then closed the door on him.

Five months later…. 

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A candid 23rd birthday pic

I returned to Tokyo Fireballs for my birthday with a close group of friends. Halfway through dinner, I nearly dropped my wine when I saw the same general manager. He heard there was a birthday and brought over complimentary champagne. He didn’t recognize me, so I cashed-in my birthday wish early and flirted with him for a bit. He got pulled away but my waitress walked over at the end of our meal with his business card, saying Aaron instructed her to tell me to give him a call.

We texted for a little, but the conversation trailed before we were made plans. I hope we can relight that spark one day**, but without another Catfish.

*Names have been changed because I am not a monster.

** Aaron (not your real name), if you read this – hit a girl up 😉

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Kiwi Krushed

Cocktails

A New Zealand man today was found after seemingly disappearing for two weeks after taking a spontaneous trip with a Tinder date. Meanwhile, I am just thrilled when my date pays for drinks. 

Can we agree this headline would be less concerning if he found his date on Bumble or Hinge? 

He was found this week playing bongos on a beach in  Thailand. The tourist that found him said, “Ya it was him. He’s running around learning to play his hand drum.” 

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A man unafraid to march to the beat of his own hand drum

Hold up. This guy has a sexy New Zealand accent, likes spontaneous vacations AND plays the bongos?

This is my Kiwi Unicorn. 

No word if his Tinder date made it back safe, but if that means he single, I won’t one to question good news. 

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You Had Me at Shalom

Cocktails, Manhattan, Top Shelf

The Jewish people have known no greater modern hardship than dating in New York City. As a Jewish female, I know firsthand the daily struggle that is finding Kosher meat in the concrete jungle.

Don’t get me wrong –  I enjoy getting men from different backgrounds in and out of my system. I don’t limit my dating pool to those of my faith and strongly believe that dating people from different backgrounds is a great way to appreciate diversity as well as discovering new sides of yourself. This Rumspringa is especially important before inevitably settling down with a Jewish lawyer whose bank account I pray is larger than his nose.  

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Tips for Jews Dating in NYC

 1. The Jewish New Year is the ideal time to get the attention of your Rabbi’s son. Volunteer to blow the shofar in front of your community and maintain eye contact with him until he invites you to his place on the UWS to Manischevitz and Chill. 

2. When JSwipe fails, LinkedIn is the best dating website alternative. Congratulate them on their one-year work anniversary and just wait for them to send you an endorsement, the Facebook poke of young professionals.  

3. Treat your body like an Orthodox Temple, only let Jews cum inside you.

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