While visiting New York before moving to the city, I matched with Jason* on JSwipe. He was tall with dark, brooding eyes, worked at David Barton Fitness.* He was funny and seemed really sweet. We texted on and off for a few months and I was excited that my move could include a solid new guy.
I felt as though he was putting off seeing me, which was confusing since he reminded me on a daily basis how much he liked me and how great we would be together. I finally called him out on the fact we never made plans, not interested in wasting more time.
Pop Quiz Jason was putting off plans because….
A) Jason had a girlfriend and I was a blind side-chick. Sad!
B) Jason gained more than 100 lbs than shown in his pictures
C) Jason was a 65-year-old man with an Amy Winehouse lookalike fetish
D) Jason failed to mention he was originally ~Jessica~
Pick an answer? Let’s see what happened:
“It is not that I don’t want to see you,” he said. “It’s just that I have gained a little weight since the photos that you matched with me on last year.”
Who Guessed B?!
“That’s ridiculous,” I said, hearing this as good news if anything. I had worried that Jason, a David Barton employee, would be too ripped to like my love handles. Besides, how much weight could he gain in a year?
“I honestly don’t care. I like talking to you and I am sure you look fine.” I said, feeling my least shallow, maybe ever.
He suggested we go to Tokyo Fireballs* in Brooklyn* that Friday night, known for its psychedelic walls, live musical performances and bomb hand rolls.
He picked me up for dinner, I got in his car and nearly gasped. He was easily more than 100 lbs heavier than the photos he sent me. He admitted gaining a little weight, which to me means 10 lbs, not squared. I decided to just focus on what would be a nice meal, because he has to like food…
Fast forward to Tokyo Fireballs
Jason ordered one sushi roll said he was not super hungry.
Oh, this is where you decide to go on a diet?
We made small talk at our table but the witty, sweet guy I had spoken endlessly to on the phone disappeared – perhaps eaten by the guy I was seated alongside.
Now that we have that out of the way of saying more about him I will simply compare him to one of my favorite characters in Mulan.
He would be the one in green. Beef, Pork, Chicken is right
I struggled to converse with Jason all night as he stared nervously at his plate and mumbled back. I did learn was that he still worked at David Barton, at the front desk. He also lived home, which he neglected to mention. Very cool.
I tried to imagine the HR situation at David Barton as he continued to gained weight and was the first person to greet members by in their haven of wellness. Just a thought.
My highlight of the night was that Jason knew the general manager who swung by our table to check in on our
meal. I was instantly attracted to the GM Aaron*, a more successful, sexier looking version of Jake Jigelski (played by Bryan Greenberg) from One Tree Hill. Even better, the manager himself was Jewish, so we could get married one day!
Mazal Tov to me.
Actor/God, Bryan Greenberg
Brexit: A Blogger Exits
On any first date, my roommate is reliable for a fake emergency phone call. I texted her a quick SOS, but she didn’t answer by the time our bill came.
Still awaiting my escape call, Jason and I got in the car back to my place. There was somewhat pre-actual-date idea of “watchig Netflix or something” after dinner.
It won’t shock you to learn that my mind had steadily changed by that point. I was hoping he would still drop me home considering it was no more than 10 degrees outside. We got in the car and continued to make small talk. I was internally debating between giving him a side hug or just a soft hand tap and thank you.
Now despite barely speaking during dinner, we got in the car and he asked if I had a movie in mind.
Wait. This is going well to you?
As we sat parked outside my apartment, I edged myself toward the door and thanked him for a lovely night. At this point my roommate hadn’t called and he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
My phone finally rang and I put my roommate on speaker, she ranted how her boyfriend just broke up with her (not true), she was on her way home (also not true) and needed ice cream (possibly true).
I apologized to Jason for cutting our great night short. He asked if we could go out again next week, I said sure, then closed the door on him.
Five months later….
A candid 23rd birthday pic
I returned to Tokyo Fireballs for my birthday with a close group of friends. Halfway through dinner, I nearly dropped my wine when I saw the same general manager. He heard there was a birthday and brought over complimentary champagne. He didn’t recognize me, so I cashed-in my birthday wish early and flirted with him for a bit. He got pulled away but my waitress walked over at the end of our meal with his business card, saying Aaron instructed her to tell me to give him a call.
We texted for a little, but the conversation trailed before we were made plans. I hope we can relight that spark one day**, but without another Catfish.
*Names have been changed because I am not a monster.
** Aaron (not your real name), if you read this – hit a girl up 😉