Six \ Made from Concentrate
I once got in trouble in school, for telling a girl in my class
to go to a concentration camp
because she had ADHD
and we didn’t need that bringing down the class average.
it was a gas.
Five \ ShoFurther
if you’re trying to get the attention of your rabbi’s son
volunteer to blow the shofar at temple
and maintain full eye contact with him
until he invites you to his place on the upper west side to manischewitz & chill.
Four \ House of Whoreship
while attending an orthodox temple, i learned how to care for myself
the importance of treating my body like a temple.
but – let’s take it further.
i treat my body like the orthodox temple I was raised in;
i only let jews come inside me.
Three \ 23 & Me
i’m 99.8% ashkenazi jewish. that’s not jewish.
thats….jew. no ish.
that’s askhe. no nazi.
just 5,000 years of oppression and incest.
furthermore, the my parents have blue eyes.
so, we’re probably from the southern part of poland.
i’m the poster child for goldman and tay sachs.
then, upon examining my family tree, I discovered
my 9th grade history teacher
(who I somewhat had a crush on)
is my second cousin.
if that doesn’t wilt you leaf, i don’t know what will.
maybe it’s time to branch out beyond this tree.
Two \ On Kosher
i’ve kept kosher my entire life.
i’ve never had bacon,
i’ll never try shrimp,
i’ll never find Jesus.
even though he was Jewish.
when i tell people i’ve never tasted bacon,
they tell me I am missing out.
but from the smell from afar alone, I don’t think it’s for me.
which is also my stance on going down on girls.
One \ Origin
i grew up in an orthodox jewish home
we walked to temple every shabbat,
attended jewish private school by day
and laundered money together at night
it wasn’t later until I realized my housekeeper
was my only non-jewish friend
and honestly, since.