My Old Fashioned

Cocktails, Top Shelf

You sat at the bar, I walked past, then back again,

Your energy, intoxicating, an addiction began.

You nursed my heart, I melted like ice.

You offered to pick up the next round, I said yes, twice.

Your aura entranced me, your face,

your eyes,

filled me.

You freed me from fears, flights, and I couldn’t fight

as they fell behind me.

You pulled me closer, smelling of woods with warm liquor on your lips.

You felt spins through the night, your strong hands guiding my hips.

You’d tell me that old fashions are your favorite drink; I promised you’d always be mine.

But through a drunken haze, it became clear,

Your power to poison me, the potency, filled me with fear.

You had my heart,

on reserve,

until you asked for the check.

You pulled away, I yelled last call,

You shut the door.

Now I’m left, sitting alone, always, waiting for

You.

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Missed You Like XO

Dirty Manhattan, Top Shelf

Good Morning, Lower East Siders!

I’m back, better, and due to my deteriorating metabolism —  bigger than ever. Launching a marketing career and peddling my freelance services has overflowed my creative bandwidth and belt-width.

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Which for a Jew, is a lot of creative angst. (GIPHY)

So, what have I been up to since becoming the self-established Siren of Fleet Week? Well, I experienced my first true creative block.

Despite wanting to write more Single Malt, I found myself at a loss for material that matched my initial blurred-vision for my brand. I was left with a blogging hangover that lasted the better part of the last year.

Money talks; my creativity hasn’t listened.

Yes, getting cockblocked thought-blocked by your brain is more frustrating than Gossip Girl’s finale. But despite this dry spell of creative juices, I’ve finally squeezed myself to a point of sheer frustration where I’ve cultivated a jumble of juicy content.

So I am back in action – sitting at Wall Street’s most affordable bar, nursing IPAs with my iPad, and testing material on unwitting barflies.

Moving on Wall Street has given me crucial lessons in investment and interest — for example, if you’re invested in a conversation with an Investment Banker, you’re still able to show interest to his Hedge Fund Manager friend.

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with great powder comes great responsibilities  (GIPHY)

To clarify, I live on Wall Street. I am not employed here by any means. While I tell people this, they quickly assume I have reliable stock market information or any comprehension of how a bear market differentiates from a thriving gay bar; however, I understand that each involves a degree of asset liquidation.

Strangely, they don’t pass classified information in the Stock Exchange on the way to the subway. In fact, due to my struggle to do basic addition, my math skills don’t actually add up to a reliable investment insight.

A quick detour into my stint in mathematics: After failing my college math placement exam, I spent a full semester taking a 0-credit course reviewing high school math. I was the only non-athlete in the class, let alone there on actual academic merit. From there, I barely earned a C in community college statistics summer course, and since, have only looked at a calculator to figure out discounts at Zara.

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To my inability to do math? Yes. (GIPHY)

So welcome to the new era on Single Malt, brewing with new experiences inspired by living on one of New York’s most overhyped streets.

But don’t worry, there isn’t a secret I wouldn’t tell…

And who knows? Maybe in a few blog posts, I will reveal myself to be Dan Humphry.

Kidding, I’d never move to Brooklyn.

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Tiaras > Crown Heights (GIPHY)

XOXO,

Single Malt

Featured Image via Tumblr

 

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Welcome to My House Party

Cocktails, Manhattan, Top Shelf

As a bartender, I spend enough hours pouring alcohol in a loud place that I have little desire to be in this setting without the incentive of a cash tips. Unfortunately, so much of socializing takes place over food and drinks that it’s hard to find a good time with neither present.

You might not like the notion that socializing with strangers requires drinking, but you know what is worse when you are out?

Talking to people sober.

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The hard truth is we rely on alcohol like a form of social lube and much like sex, socializing when you feel dry is just. Too. Damn. Painful.

Rather than trying other mind-altering substances, I have just mostly stopped going out. I expected to feel upset about missing out on the party until I realized I am the party and that wine tastes even better from my couch. I foot more of my own drinking bill, but its good to take a break from going tit for tab at the bar. (That is when I use cleavage to make men pay for my drinks).

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In this economy, anything goes

Since joining Team #JOMO I’ve been reaping the endless benefits for my mind, body and soles of my favorite boots. I miss so little of my old partying routine and am relieved to get in bed before midnight on a Saturday. Does this mean I am starting to grow up?

Clues from Last Night

Rolling over and seeing the product of your night laying next to you is never a good feeling, be it a guy or an empty box of pizza.

When girls drunk text, it goes in one of three directions.

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But by staying home in sweatpants I am significantly less emboldened then when I am drowning in a sea of couples with only a shot glass and my iPhone to cling to.

Eat now or you will spend the next day trapped in bed hungover like Steven Hawking after a homecoming.

– What I tell myself

All You Can Eat & Then Some
The only thing that has blown up larger in the last year than my midsection are Kylie Jenner’s lips. But until she releases some sort of miracle Hip Kit, staying in on weekends has helped me cool it with the calories.

Alcohol isn’t the issue because I usually stick to something relatively low calorie like tequila or whiskey shots. I could probably manage to take a few shots a day without going up a size in jeans, but the drinks are only the warmup.

The issue starts when I leave a bar, pass a pizza place or a diner and feel a need to deep throat a plate of chicken tenders. My drunken self is persuaded that maybe I drank too much and the only way out is through, specifically a fast food drive-through.

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I will eat until I decide I may have gone too far then instantly decide I need to start working them off, like now. The best way to burn calories from something you put in your mouth is to put something with no calories in my mouth.

“I’d say stop acting like a dick, but you are what you eat”

-Me, to the mirror

Burn, Baby Burn! 

Drinking water….is usually not the option I would choose at 3 a.m.

Sure, taking the new extension of the Q train uptown makes it more convenient to ride the D train all night, but ordering some Insomnia from my bed is a lot less efffort, plus I’m much more likely to finish.

Did you know that sex burns about 300 calories an hour, but only afterwards if you don’t pee?

While booty calls seem like a great idea in the moment, looking like the result of a crossover episode between The Walking Dead and Ru Paul’s Drag Show on the way home isn’t worth it. There is a simple beauty to staying in for a night, knowing the only thing I’ll get my face comes from a Sephora tube.

Who’s with me?

 

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The Right is Dark and Full of Terrors

Top Shelf, Whiskey Business

**Game of Thrones and Trump Inauguration spoilers**

As I watched the inauguration I couldn’t help but be reminded of a similar ominous tone from the Game of Thrones finale last summer. Much like Obama, Tommen’s time in power ended too soon. Now both have been replaced by widely controversial successors with questionable ethics. The season six finale ended with Cersei finally ascending to the Iron Throne. As of today, Donald Trump was sworn into our nation’s highest office with an equally grim expression. Shame!

That face you make when you said you wanted the big job, got it, then realize it was better when you were hiding in your tower, counting money and scoffing peasants. Sad! 

By the time Trump finished his inaugural address, I was increasingly unsure if I was looking at Washington or Westeros. Maybe it was all the Inauguration Day drinking games, but I could barely tell the difference.

Congratulations to CNN for producing your first almost HBO-worthy content. 

As coverage went on, more parallels emerged between key players for the Iron Throne and those we know in Washington. The night is certainly dark and full of terrors, let’s just hope President Trump doesn’t turn into a Mad King.

(Former) President Barack Obama | Red Woman

Boy, bye. In addition to rapidly aging before our eyes, both made departures that left us nervously wondering when we will see them again. Melissandre dashed out on a horseback sensing her time had come to an end while Obama ascended in a helicopter earlier today after transferring power for a well-earned vacation. No doubt both these figures will have important roles next time we see them, so hopefully their returns are not too far off.

(Former First) Lady Michelle | Lady Olenna

That RBF Tho!! There was no need to worry about getting out of the sun during Trump’s Inauguration, Michelle Obama brought enough shade for everyone. The former First Lady, much like Lady Olenna, has garnered a reputation for Power Resting Bitch Face. Between the expression she made while receiving a gift from Melania or reacting to Trump’s speech, it’s impressive she didn’t lose it for a moment and call someone a browbeaten bookworm or a shoeless zealot.

Vice President Mike Pence | Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish 

Still waters run deep. Don’t let their calm demeanors fool you. The VP debate in October made one thing clear – Pence was not running for Vice President, he was running for President in 2020. Both men share a self serving desire for greatness through use of a soft, calming voice to throw off allies and enemies alike. Both see their current position as a mere stepping stone in the long run. Let’s watch out for these two.

“Chaos isnt a pit. Chaos is a ladder.” – Littlefinger

Eric Trump | Joffrey Baratheon

You son of a king. I know Joffrey has been gone for a while, just go with me here about the two rich, entitled sons of powerful men. There’s something about both their creepy smiles that give me the feeling I dont want to be locked alone in a room with either one. Maybe this is why Eric stole a drink from In-N-Out burger in L.A., because any drink specifically given to him might lead to a similar end as his Baratheon counterpart. One thing that differs is that we know a Trump doesn’t always pay his debts.

Paul Ryan | Septa Unella

Ah, how the mighty have fallen. These are faces of those in former power now with their hands tied behind their back. Each used their power to attempt to weaken Trump and Cersei respectively, thinking they were both beyond gaining any more power. We can count on watching both Ryan and Unella grovel for forgiveness in the future, partially as a result of their enemy’s affection for waterboarding.

Vladimir Putin | Daenerys Targaryen

Ride it, my pony. I know this one seems pretty obvious with their shared “naked with a horse” tendencies. Even more importantly is the vuluernability of our countries against arguably stronger foreign leaders, both of whom will stop at nothing to get the power they want. We are not sure what these two are capable of, but we know they could really shake up our shit moving forward. Do the respective new rulers, or any of us, even stand a chance?

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While we still have seven months of mystery until we find out Cersei’s plans as Ruler of Westeros, Trump’s inaugural speech outlined a clear 100 day plan that includes repealing Obamacare, increasing border security and limiting international trade.

As far as America goes, winter has finally arrived and it looks like it will last at least four years. Even with the separation of Church and State, all we can do is pray to the Old Gods and The New.

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Somewhat Catfished

Cocktails, Manhattan, Top Shelf

While visiting New York before moving to the city, I matched with Jason* on JSwipe. He was tall with dark, brooding eyes, worked at David Barton Fitness.* He was funny and seemed really sweet. We texted on and off for a few months and I was excited that my move could include a solid new guy.

I felt as though he was putting off seeing me, which was confusing since he reminded me on a daily basis how much he liked me and how great we would be together. I finally called him out on the fact we never made plans, not interested in wasting more time.

Pop Quiz Jason was putting off plans because….

A) Jason had a girlfriend and I was a blind side-chick. Sad! 

B) Jason gained more than 100 lbs than shown in his pictures

C) Jason was a 65-year-old man with an Amy Winehouse lookalike fetish

D) Jason failed to mention he was originally ~Jessica~

Pick an answer? Let’s see what happened: 

“It is not that I don’t want to see you,” he said. “It’s just that I have gained a little weight since the photos that you matched with me on last year.”

Who Guessed B?!

“That’s ridiculous,” I said, hearing this as good news if anything. I had worried that Jason, a David Barton employee, would be too ripped to like my love handles. Besides, how much weight could he gain in a year?

“I honestly don’t care. I like talking to you and I am sure you look fine.” I said, feeling my least shallow, maybe ever.

He suggested we go to Tokyo Fireballs* in Brooklyn* that Friday night, known for its psychedelic walls, live musical performances and bomb hand rolls.

He picked me up for dinner, I got in his car and nearly gasped. He was easily more than 100 lbs heavier than the photos he sent me. He admitted gaining a little weight, which to me means 10 lbs, not squared. I decided to just focus on what would be a nice meal, because he has to like food…

Fast forward to Tokyo Fireballs 

Jason ordered one sushi roll said he was not super hungry.

Oh, this is where you decide to go on a diet?

We made small talk at our table but the witty, sweet guy I had spoken endlessly to on the phone disappeared – perhaps eaten by the guy I was seated alongside.

Now that we have that out of the way of saying more about him I will simply compare him to one of my favorite characters in Mulan. 

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He would be the one in green. Beef, Pork, Chicken is right

I struggled to converse with Jason all night as he stared nervously at his plate and mumbled back. I did learn was that he still worked at David Barton, at the front desk. He also lived home, which he neglected to mention. Very cool.

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Survival Skills

I tried to imagine the HR situation at David Barton as he continued to gained weight and was the first person to greet members by in their haven of wellness. Just a thought.

My highlight of the night was that Jason knew the general manager who swung by our table to check in on our meal. I was instantly attracted to the GM Aaron*, a more successful, sexier looking version of Jake Jigelski (played by Bryan Greenberg) from One Tree Hill. Even better, the manager himself was Jewish, so we could get married one day!  

Mazal Tov to me. 

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Actor/God, Bryan Greenberg

Brexit: A Blogger Exits

On any first date, my roommate is reliable for a fake emergency phone call. I texted her a quick SOS, but she didn’t answer by the time our bill came.

Still awaiting my escape call, Jason and I got in the car back to my place. There was somewhat pre-actual-date idea of “watchig Netflix or something” after dinner.

It won’t shock you to learn that my mind had steadily changed by that point.  I was hoping  he would still drop me home considering it was no more than 10 degrees outside. We got in the car and continued to make small talk. I was internally debating between giving him a side hug or just a soft hand tap and thank you.

Now despite barely speaking during dinner, we got in the car and he asked if I had a movie in mind.

Wait. This is going well to you?

As we sat parked outside my apartment, I edged myself toward the door and thanked him for a lovely night. At this point my roommate hadn’t called and he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

My phone finally rang and I put my roommate on speaker, she ranted how her boyfriend just broke up with her (not true), she was on her way home (also not true) and needed ice cream (possibly true).

I apologized to Jason for cutting our great night short. He asked if we could go out again next week, I said sure, then closed the door on him.

Five months later…. 

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A candid 23rd birthday pic

I returned to Tokyo Fireballs for my birthday with a close group of friends. Halfway through dinner, I nearly dropped my wine when I saw the same general manager. He heard there was a birthday and brought over complimentary champagne. He didn’t recognize me, so I cashed-in my birthday wish early and flirted with him for a bit. He got pulled away but my waitress walked over at the end of our meal with his business card, saying Aaron instructed her to tell me to give him a call.

We texted for a little, but the conversation trailed before we were made plans. I hope we can relight that spark one day**, but without another Catfish.

*Names have been changed because I am not a monster.

** Aaron (not your real name), if you read this – hit a girl up 😉

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Tails Against Trump

Top Shelf, Whiskey Business
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This female turtle realizing Planned Parenthood might not be a thing anymore

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This Koala who planned on coordinating pantsuits with Hillary on Inauguration Day

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This cat after he saw election coverage and meowed, “dad?”

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This squirrel and campaign manager for Deez Nuts

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These dogs realizing that the fence may be an issue

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This bunny with anxiety learns about Trump’s anti-legalization policies

Curious Bald Eagle

This bald eagle contemplating if he should should make a career move over to representing Canada

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This dog who supported Merrick Garland’s bid for the Supreme Court

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This orange clownfish offended his cousin didn’t call him after winning the election

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You Had Me at Shalom

Cocktails, Manhattan, Top Shelf

The Jewish people have known no greater modern hardship than dating in New York City. As a Jewish female, I know firsthand the daily struggle that is finding Kosher meat in the concrete jungle.

Don’t get me wrong –  I enjoy getting men from different backgrounds in and out of my system. I don’t limit my dating pool to those of my faith and strongly believe that dating people from different backgrounds is a great way to appreciate diversity as well as discovering new sides of yourself. This Rumspringa is especially important before inevitably settling down with a Jewish lawyer whose bank account I pray is larger than his nose.  

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Tips for Jews Dating in NYC

 1. The Jewish New Year is the ideal time to get the attention of your Rabbi’s son. Volunteer to blow the shofar in front of your community and maintain eye contact with him until he invites you to his place on the UWS to Manischevitz and Chill. 

2. When JSwipe fails, LinkedIn is the best dating website alternative. Congratulate them on their one-year work anniversary and just wait for them to send you an endorsement, the Facebook poke of young professionals.  

3. Treat your body like an Orthodox Temple, only let Jews cum inside you.

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Life as a Single Malt

Cocktails, Manhattan, Top Shelf

While researching for this post, I reached out my Hollywood inner circle to find out how they would describe their dating life as a beverage. Within 24 hours, my inbox got more hits than the Canadian Immigration site after the election. In fact, Anthony Weiner is reportedly jealous that my inbox has better content than his laptop. 

While I settle that feud, here are some of my favorite celebrity responses:

“Chocolate milk, because my favorite nutrition sources are Calcium and the NBA”

Aspiring “hotter” Kardashian, Klohe Kardashian

“Old Fashions in antique, rusted glassware”

Current wife of Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner, Crystal Harris

“16-year-old Macallen is good, but don’t sleep on the 25-year”

Quaalude’s “Consumer of the Year” recipient, Bill Cosby 

“I’d kill for a Bloody Mary, but wouldn’t pass up a Widow Jane on the rocks”

Costume enthusiast and HBO darling Robert Durst

“Orange Juice”                       

Speechwriter Melania Trump

Never having really gotten on board with “serious relationships” myself, life has led me to understand that my best shot at love probably involves a litter box. But instead of stocking up on the best moth balls on Amazon Prime, I decided to document my singleness in a crowded city. It might not improve my love life, but hopefully it can make you feel a little less lonely, or at least briefly entertained.

Over the last few years, I have found myself in a consistent dating pattern: 

          1. The Spark: We start by exchanging banter, numbers, and maybe a little more

          2. The Flame: Good morning texts, late night movies and butterflies. Love is real!

          3. The Fizzle: Texts and plans slow down until one of us just ghosts the other

          4. The Recovery: Even if I ended it, I’ll still need a season of Friends a pint of ice cream

           5. The Fresh Start: Meet someone new and this one will be different!

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With this pattern in place, a single malt is the only fitting beverage to describe my dating life. I do not see this as a bad thing and love being single maybe too much to let go in favor of something steadier. 

While I am not opposed to finding someone special, I plan on making the most of the time that I am single. What is more liberating than flirting with anyone you want? So while I date and before moving on from each fling, I’ll knock back my whiskey and use my experiences as a creative inspiration.

Cheers!

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