As a bartender, I spend enough hours pouring alcohol in a loud place that I have little desire to be in this setting without the incentive of a cash tips. Unfortunately, so much of socializing takes place over food and drinks that it’s hard to find a good time with neither present.

You might not like the notion that socializing with strangers requires drinking, but you know what is worse when you are out?

Talking to people sober.

The hard truth is we rely on alcohol like a form of social lube and much like sex, socializing when you feel dry is just. Too. Damn. Painful.

Rather than trying other mind-altering substances, I have just mostly stopped going out. I expected to feel upset about missing out on the party until I realized I am the party and that wine tastes even better from my couch. I foot more of my own drinking bill, but its good to take a break from going tit for tab at the bar. (That is when I use cleavage to make men pay for my drinks).

Since joining Team #JOMO I’ve been reaping the endless benefits for my mind, body and soles of my favorite boots. I miss so little of my old partying routine and am relieved to get in bed before midnight on a Saturday. Does this mean I am starting to grow up?

Clues from Last Night

Rolling over and seeing the product of your night laying next to you is never a good feeling, be it a guy or an empty box of pizza.

When girls drunk text, it goes in one of three directions.

But by staying home in sweatpants I am significantly less emboldened then when I am drowning in a sea of couples with only a shot glass and my iPhone to cling to.

Eat now or you will spend the next day trapped in bed hungover like Steven Hawking after a homecoming.

– What I tell myself

All You Can Eat & Then Some
The only thing that has blown up larger in the last year than my midsection are Kylie Jenner’s lips. But until she releases some sort of miracle Hip Kit, staying in on weekends has helped me cool it with the calories.

Alcohol isn’t the issue because I usually stick to something relatively low calorie like tequila or whiskey shots. I could probably manage to take a few shots a day without going up a size in jeans, but the drinks are only the warmup.

The issue starts when I leave a bar, pass a pizza place or a diner and feel a need to deep throat a plate of chicken tenders. My drunken self is persuaded that maybe I drank too much and the only way out is through, specifically a fast food drive-through.

I will eat until I decide I may have gone too far then instantly decide I need to start working them off, like now. The best way to burn calories from something you put in your mouth is to put something with no calories in my mouth.

“I’d say stop acting like a dick, but you are what you eat”

-Me, to the mirror

Burn, Baby Burn! 

Drinking water….is usually not the option I would choose at 3 a.m.

Sure, taking the new extension of the Q train uptown makes it more convenient to ride the D train all night, but ordering some Insomnia from my bed is a lot less efffort, plus I’m much more likely to finish.

Did you know that sex burns about 300 calories an hour, but only afterwards if you don’t pee?

While booty calls seem like a great idea in the moment, looking like the result of a crossover episode between The Walking Dead and Ru Paul’s Drag Show on the way home isn’t worth it. There is a simple beauty to staying in for a night, knowing the only thing I’ll get my face comes from a Sephora tube.

Who’s with me?