The Pink House

Pop Culture, Whiskey Business

There’s been much deliberation into the identity behind the New York Time’s Op-Ed, ‘I am Part of the Resistance Inside the Trump Administration.’

Speculation presently points to a plethora of possible perpetrators under a pysudonym (say that five times fast), include Vice President, Mike Pence, Chief off Staff John Kelly, to even Jenna Cooper orchestrating this —  forensically verified, of course.

At this point, we can only rule out Melania, as no records show that Michelle Obama published this first. Plus, the OpEd was published in perfect, fluent English — which I suppose rules out her husband as well.

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When they go low, we go… under pysodynm?  (GIPHY)

As speculation continues to swirl over the identity of the author, I want to throw another hat into the mixtape: Nicki Minaj. While the USA and the Monarchy are no strangers to feuding – the original Queen of Rap herself might be making moves to dethrone our local aspiring dictator.

Orange vs. Pinkprint

Nicki is no stranger to feuds, as having recently sparked them with a number of celebrities, including Cardi B, Drake, her ex Safaree and seven-month-old Stormi Webster.

But here where the evident stacks (on stacks) up: Nicki Minaj’s latest album flopped harder than Trump’s golf shorts on the green. So shifting her failure onto another could have been her way to shift criticism from herself.

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Tekashi, meet Roy Moore.

Their connections don’t end there: both hail from New York, vehemently deny obvious plastic surgery, overexxagerate their net worth and enjoy collaborating with known pedophiles.

Despite the above evidence that she is the Resistance leader, at least one thing we know for certain: Nicki Minaj’s anaconda don’t want none — and Trump doesn’t have one.

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Writer’s note: I have it on good authority that Nicki Minaj’s team reads my blog as part of their news digest. As soon as I reach out, I’ll update you with their comments.

Villian the Blanks

Whiskey Business

So I have never said this before, but I cared who won the Super Bowl this year. Any other year I’m a real home run at these sporty shindigs, usually focused a lot more about my Instagram of the wings getting 100 likes than on the game itself. This year was different – I just really wanted the good guys to win.

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Similar but different

For those of you like me who think field goals are career aspirations or end zones are the phase of a relationship where you’re inevitably breaking up, let me explain:

The SuperBowl is like the finale episode of football season. We’re down to the final two! It’s also a great excuse me to drink beer and seem all chill in front of guys (I’m not).

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Matt Ryan, Falcon Quarterback

The Atlanta Falcons have never won a Super Bowl and Tom Brady and the New England Patriots began this season with Brady benched for deflating footballs before games. Once #DeflateGate blew over, their QB (football for quarterback) was back in action to win the season.

The Falcons vs Patriots was a David vs. Goliath, or the American Colonies vs. British Troops, even Regina George vs. Candy Heron. The story of the good guy underdog is a classic American value and usually who we hope to win.

Even on Sunday when it seemed that the Falcons were headed to victory, Brady pulled it together in Q4 for his fifth Super Bowl title. (Seriously, as someone who’s never watched a game voluntarily – that sounded super sporty.)

We needed the Falcons to win because we are so overdue for a moral victory. The Patriots win was like if Goliath got back up, took David’s slingshot and knocked his head off with it while Lady Gaga watched.

Can the good guys ever win anymore?

There’s a societal shift toward celebrating villains. We just love them. Villains get their own movies and even the heroes are focused on showing their dark side, such as alcoholic superhero Jessica Jones.

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Villian-centered Suicide Squad is now nominated for an Oscar. AN OSCAR.

Even in the semi-reality world of the Bachelor, the villain gets most screen time second to the star and often amass the biggest following.

Chad Johnson and Corinne Olympios are the most recent season villains and their commentary alone is what makes watching their seasons worthwhile.

We glorify them, so they keep winning.

Much like Chad, Corinne had no interest in making friends with the other contestants. She’s there to get engaged to Nick, a former Bachelorette villain himself.

 

I just want to find someone who looks at me the way these two look at plates of meat.

To be fair, the difference with Chad is he goes out of his way to instigate fights – he’s truly a villain. In a contrast, COrigen as been portrayed as the villain for being sexual and ignoring the other girls opinions. She’s my hero because she is so grest at just doing her. Regardless, they’ll both be remembered the longest of their season because of their epic villainous ways.

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If the bachelor isn’t real enough for you to believe villains keep winning, check CNN.

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Lost in Powers: International Man of Misogyny

The Evil Office

Everyone and their mother expected Hillary Clinton to win the election, including Donald Trump. His electoral college victory felt like the climax scene in the unrealistic live-movie that’s been this election. We all expected the American people to pull through for the candidate that took the higher road. The one who could prove to all women they can be anything. At the very least, the lesser of two evils should win. But in a close race, evil Trumped good.

c2324a4c-20d6-4e2a-97ef-08e5223b484a-339-0000008b0b712ba2_tmpWhat we know from Hollywood culture is that every villain has an opposite hero. Each Joker a Batman, Voldermort a Dumbledore. It’s the natural balance of things .

As of now, we lack a hero to balance out Lord Trump and his Debt Eaters. This blank space is one that men like Steve Bannon, the initiator of the Muslim Ban, intend to fill with dangerous policies.

But if one man is able to do torpedo our democracy in al little over a year, there muse be someone out there capable of uniting us as a country and putting America back on a progressive path.

We need a hero who can step up and lead us out of this. Anyone know a guy?

Happy Endings Are Great

There is so much negativity in the world, so let’s end things on a positive note. With more than double the percentage of Americans rooting for Atlanta than New England, at least the Falcons won the popular vote.

 

 

 

 

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The Right is Dark and Full of Terrors

Top Shelf, Whiskey Business

**Game of Thrones and Trump Inauguration spoilers**

As I watched the inauguration I couldn’t help but be reminded of a similar ominous tone from the Game of Thrones finale last summer. Much like Obama, Tommen’s time in power ended too soon. Now both have been replaced by widely controversial successors with questionable ethics. The season six finale ended with Cersei finally ascending to the Iron Throne. As of today, Donald Trump was sworn into our nation’s highest office with an equally grim expression. Shame!

That face you make when you said you wanted the big job, got it, then realize it was better when you were hiding in your tower, counting money and scoffing peasants. Sad! 

By the time Trump finished his inaugural address, I was increasingly unsure if I was looking at Washington or Westeros. Maybe it was all the Inauguration Day drinking games, but I could barely tell the difference.

Congratulations to CNN for producing your first almost HBO-worthy content. 

As coverage went on, more parallels emerged between key players for the Iron Throne and those we know in Washington. The night is certainly dark and full of terrors, let’s just hope President Trump doesn’t turn into a Mad King.

(Former) President Barack Obama | Red Woman

Boy, bye. In addition to rapidly aging before our eyes, both made departures that left us nervously wondering when we will see them again. Melissandre dashed out on a horseback sensing her time had come to an end while Obama ascended in a helicopter earlier today after transferring power for a well-earned vacation. No doubt both these figures will have important roles next time we see them, so hopefully their returns are not too far off.

(Former First) Lady Michelle | Lady Olenna

That RBF Tho!! There was no need to worry about getting out of the sun during Trump’s Inauguration, Michelle Obama brought enough shade for everyone. The former First Lady, much like Lady Olenna, has garnered a reputation for Power Resting Bitch Face. Between the expression she made while receiving a gift from Melania or reacting to Trump’s speech, it’s impressive she didn’t lose it for a moment and call someone a browbeaten bookworm or a shoeless zealot.

Vice President Mike Pence | Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish 

Still waters run deep. Don’t let their calm demeanors fool you. The VP debate in October made one thing clear – Pence was not running for Vice President, he was running for President in 2020. Both men share a self serving desire for greatness through use of a soft, calming voice to throw off allies and enemies alike. Both see their current position as a mere stepping stone in the long run. Let’s watch out for these two.

“Chaos isnt a pit. Chaos is a ladder.” – Littlefinger

Eric Trump | Joffrey Baratheon

You son of a king. I know Joffrey has been gone for a while, just go with me here about the two rich, entitled sons of powerful men. There’s something about both their creepy smiles that give me the feeling I dont want to be locked alone in a room with either one. Maybe this is why Eric stole a drink from In-N-Out burger in L.A., because any drink specifically given to him might lead to a similar end as his Baratheon counterpart. One thing that differs is that we know a Trump doesn’t always pay his debts.

Paul Ryan | Septa Unella

Ah, how the mighty have fallen. These are faces of those in former power now with their hands tied behind their back. Each used their power to attempt to weaken Trump and Cersei respectively, thinking they were both beyond gaining any more power. We can count on watching both Ryan and Unella grovel for forgiveness in the future, partially as a result of their enemy’s affection for waterboarding.

Vladimir Putin | Daenerys Targaryen

Ride it, my pony. I know this one seems pretty obvious with their shared “naked with a horse” tendencies. Even more importantly is the vuluernability of our countries against arguably stronger foreign leaders, both of whom will stop at nothing to get the power they want. We are not sure what these two are capable of, but we know they could really shake up our shit moving forward. Do the respective new rulers, or any of us, even stand a chance?

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While we still have seven months of mystery until we find out Cersei’s plans as Ruler of Westeros, Trump’s inaugural speech outlined a clear 100 day plan that includes repealing Obamacare, increasing border security and limiting international trade.

As far as America goes, winter has finally arrived and it looks like it will last at least four years. Even with the separation of Church and State, all we can do is pray to the Old Gods and The New.

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White House | Red Carpet

Whiskey Business

The impending White House transition gets scarier with each new Cabinet member announced. Trump’s controversial picks include Steve Bannon as Chief Political Strategist, a notorious White Nationalist. Trump’s cabinet choices have flared political panic we once hoped would subside after the election.

Trump’s cabinet, aka America’s Suicide Squad, has already shown us how desperately we need leaders without criminal records  with morals and who make our country safe and inspires progressive ideas.

With scant capable politicians, I suggest we replace the traditional cabinet types and upgrade to a star-studded cabinet with names big enough to fill the role.

But celebrities as politicians? Ridiculous. How could they possibly handle a country crisis? 

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Right. So as I was saying…

With controversy surrounding every selection Trump makes for cabinet members, we need members we can get on board with as a country.

Here are celebrity cabinet nominees qualified to serve as the host of the Celebrity Apprentice is to be  President of the United States.

Secretary of State (foreign affair policy)

Celebrity nominee: Angelina Jolie

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An accomplished ambassador and humanitarian with cheekbones to unite the world.

Trump’s pick: Undecided, but looking like Mitt Romney. The 2012 GOP nominee spoke out aggressively against the current president-elect throughout Trump’s campaign.

I say Romney takes this job application and shoves it up next to his Binder of Women.

 

 

Secretary of the Treasury (economic adviser/fiscal policy)

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A simple economic model

Celebrity nominee: Rihanna

Trump’s pick: It’s looking like Steve Mnuchin. Most recently served Trump’s campaign as National Financial Chairman and previously bankrolled Hollywood movies including Avatar and X-Men.  He is also a lesser-known member of the Lollypop guild from Mnucnkin Land.

 

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But if Leo isn’t interested, I can imagine plenty more positions that I’d like to see him in.

Secretary of the Interior (manage & conserve land, natural resources)

Celebrity nominee: Leonardo Di Caprio

Trump’s pick: Undecided, but Sarah Palin is being vetted. Apparently seeing Russia from your house gets you further now than it did in 2012. Personally, I’d rather see an environmental champion who is capable of singlehandedly Making Recycling Sexy Again.

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I’m nominating Regina George because she got hit by a bus.

Secretary of Transportation

Celebrity nominee: Regina George

Trump’s pick: Elaine Chao was the former Labor Secretary under GW Bush and is the wife of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. Simply put, both spouses are from the establishment sector that voters adamantly protested on both sides.

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YOU get an education, YOU get an education, EVERYBODY GETS AN EDUCAAATION

Secretary of Education

Celebrity nominee: Oprah

Trump’s pick: Betsy DeVos has been in the academic business in Michigan primarily working with Charter schools at the disadvantage to public schools. The biggest issue is that she has been criticized for seeing tuition profits as the main goal of education, rather than making it more accessible and productive for American students.

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An American treasure with a specific set of safety skills

Secretary of Homeland Security

Celebrity nominee: Liam Neeson

Trump’s Pick: Sherrif David Clarke has started working on his plans to send one million US residents to Guantanamo for “Jihadist language” online. Clarke has called the Black Lives Matter movement “Black Lies Matter” and does not see police brutality as an issue. Oh my Allah.

I would elaborate, but I am two Jihad references (now three) deep and should start packing my bags for Guantanamo. To end on a positive note, I hear the weather in Cuba is lovely this time of year.

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Poor Me Another

Whiskey Business

They say do what you love for a living and you’ll never work a day in your life.

A great concept, but last time I looked (again, just now) into turning the things I love into a profession, prostitution is still widely frowned upon.

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By choice, I have been #Funemployed for two weeks now. While I have never slept better or enjoyed the luxury of drinking writing in a different NYC restaurant every day, I understand that my savings are not as bottomless as my brunch and I will eventually have to return to the peasantry that is full time employment.  

So in preparation for the day I find out what the limit is on my credit card, here are some new career paths I am considering:

Miss Universe I’m down to talk about world peace for 20 seconds and trounce around stage in a gown until someone gives me the bouquet and crown that I deserve.

The only con is that Donald Trump reportedly comes backstage to look at the girls, which I can get over as long as he keeps the pussy-grabbing to a minimum.

Professional Matchmaker Because those who can’t do, teach. Or setup. You get it.

Hillary Clinton’s Therapist She has been running for president since 2007 until her controversial campaign ended in a dark day of American history this month.

But if she can’t get a job at the end of her campaign, I might as well. One female deserves employment at the end of all this. If working your whole life just to get rejected in favor of a pumpkin spiced megaphone doesn’t warrant regular therapy sessions, remembering you’re still married to Bill should do the trick. 

A Kardashian/Jenner Sister Because I can fuck black guys and take selfies as well as any of their Klan.

Bachelorette I can get paid to date 25 guys on television?! Talk about a dream job I can’t believe only 12 women have lived this reality-fantasy. My only negotiation is that I might need the Fantasy Suite before I get down to my top 3.

Also if the producers are able to round up 25 guys who want to date me enough to compete for it, the season will be magical.

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She gets it.

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Czars — They’re Just Like Us!

Whiskey Business

They forget to apply eye cream! 

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Czar Ivan IV “The Terrible” ruled from 1530-1584

Regarded for turning Russia from a medieval state to a world power, but was also known to enjoy killing animals as a kid and eventually died of a heart attack while playing chess. 

They celebrate No Shave November! 

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Czar Nicholas II “The Last Czar” ruled from 1894-1917

For more on his legacy, check out this underrated movie about his daughter, Anastasia.

They’re badass feminists with high sex drives!

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Czar Catherine II “The Great” ruled from 1762-1798

The longest-reigning female monarch of Russia infamously slept with a “parade of lovers” instead of her husband, a list that included foreign princes and military leaders and a rumored few horses.

They regret their risky fashion choices!

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Czar Michael I ruled 1613-1645

The first ruler of the Romanov dynasty ascended the throne at age 16 and reduced peasantry to serfdom. Which is good because peasants are gross.

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Adulting is Overrated

Manhattan, Whiskey Business

Sometime near college graduation,”Adult” quickly becomes a verb. Paying rent for an apartment, going to the doctor alone and actually working 40 hours a week all become part of the reality of Adulting.

I started my first “adult job” doing phone sales for a major tech company. As fun and exciting as the office was, I got home at the end of my first day and cried in the shower. I felt guilty to have such a great opportunity to grow my career while also feeling unhappily chained to my desk at the office. I couldn’t comprehend how I supposed to get up before seven a.m. to get to work, throw myself into my job for nine hours, then head home with enough only time and energy to eat and get into bed. 

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It hit me that I had to do this roughly five days and forty hours a week, 50 weeks of the year for the next 40-50 years of my life. (This was also before I learned how taboo it was to leave the office at five p.m.) With barely enough energy to get home each day, I found myself sleeping through weekends just to function by Monday. Was this the reality of Adulting? 

I had more questions.

With all my hours spent Adulting, I struggled to understand when was I supposed to see my friends, paint, shop, write, eat at restaurants and go to the gym? Americans working full-time clock an average of 47 hours per week working, while the rest of the time is spent eating, sleeping, being stressed and paying for things. 

The further I got into the “real world,” the less I felt like I had a life. I was succeeding at my sales job for more than a year, but struggled not to assign my self worth to the size of my commission check. 

At the end of this summer, I turned my back on it all. Adulting my way to “success” involved a lot of loneliness, exhaustion and very little real happiness. I resigned from the corporate world, started bartending at a sports bar in Murray Hill and love my day-to-day. Every day I learn new drinks, meet new people and leave with a wad of cash at the end of each shift. Football Sunday is just another day in the office.

By going to work at 6 p.m., I suddenly had time to be outside during the day, explore New York, catch up with friends and rediscover my interests, including writing this blog. Starting something creative of my own has been rewarding in ways I have never experienced. I actually feel like I am applying my degrees more so than my office job. 

 Expecting to be judged by other young professionals I know, my decision was received with only envy and awe. It turns out a lot everyone wanted to quit their entry-level jobs, but only a few of us had the balls to take the plunge into the unknown. 

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I hope to return to working full time, but not until I find a job I am excited to go to everyday. We all deserve a career that not only lets us live, but enriches our lives. In college, I thought Adulting was all about working all day and owning nicer things. If the last year has taught me anything, it is that the most important part about being an adult is finding the courage to swerve off the beaten path. 

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Tails Against Trump

Top Shelf, Whiskey Business
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This female turtle realizing Planned Parenthood might not be a thing anymore

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This Koala who planned on coordinating pantsuits with Hillary on Inauguration Day

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This cat after he saw election coverage and meowed, “dad?”

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This squirrel and campaign manager for Deez Nuts

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These dogs realizing that the fence may be an issue

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This bunny with anxiety learns about Trump’s anti-legalization policies

Curious Bald Eagle

This bald eagle contemplating if he should should make a career move over to representing Canada

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This dog who supported Merrick Garland’s bid for the Supreme Court

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This orange clownfish offended his cousin didn’t call him after winning the election

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Make Blogging Great Again!

Whiskey Business

Thank you, Donald J. Trump for inspiring me to start a blog.

Why thank the Donald? Firstly, I have about as much blogging experience to qualify me to create this page as Trump does to become president. Secondly, as we near the end of the election, Trump has proven to me that anything is possible and that being “qualified for the job” holds as much value in 2016 as “Top Beeper Salesperson” or “American Idol Winner.” 

It perplexes me how the public opinion that Hillary Clinton, as a woman, is the unlikely winning candidate. Although historically significant, wouldn’t the Cheeto-dust covered Voldemort get the “unlikely” title instead of a former Secretary of State?

Trump, on the other hand, proves that you do not need to be experienced, tactful, attractive or even a successful businessperson to be a winning candidate.

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My point is this; if Biff Tannen with a Twitter handle can be a presidential candidate then I don’t even have to be literate to be a blogger. Perhaps if I handle controversial topics with enough political incorrectness, I too can be endorsed by Scott Baio and propel my blog to the White House and beyond.

 

#singlemalt2020 

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