White House | Red Carpet

The impending White House transition gets scarier with each new Cabinet member announced. Trump’s controversial picks include Steve Bannon as Chief Political Strategist, a notorious White Nationalist. Trump’s cabinet choices have flared political panic we once hoped would subside after the election.

Trump’s cabinet, aka America’s Suicide Squad, has already shown us how desperately we need leaders without criminal records  with morals and who make our country safe and inspires progressive ideas.

With scant capable politicians, I suggest we replace the traditional cabinet types and upgrade to a star-studded cabinet with names big enough to fill the role.

But celebrities as politicians? Ridiculous. How could they possibly handle a country crisis? 


Right. So as I was saying…

With controversy surrounding every selection Trump makes for cabinet members, we need members we can get on board with as a country.

Here are celebrity cabinet nominees qualified to serve as the host of the Celebrity Apprentice is to be  President of the United States.

Secretary of State (Foreign affair policy)

Trump’s pick: Undecided, but looking like Mitt Romney. The 2012 republican nominee spoke out aggressively against the current president-elect throughout Trump’s campaign. I say Romney takes this job application and shoves it up next to his Binder of Women.

Celebrity Nominee: Angelina Jolie

An accomplished ambassador and humanitarian with cheekbones to unite the world.

Secretary of the Treasury (Economic adviser/fiscal policy)

Trump’s pick: It’s looking like Steve Mnuchin. Most recently served Trump’s campaign as National Financial Chairman and previously bankrolled Hollywood movies including Avatar and X-Men.  He is also a lesser-known member of the Lollypop guild from Mnucnkin Land. 

Celebrity Nominee: Rihanna

A simple economic model

Secretary of the Interior (manage and conserve land, natural resources) 

Trump’s pick: Undecided, but Sarah Palin is being vetted. Apparently seeing Russia from your house gets you further now than it did in 2012.

Celebrity Nominee: Leonardo Di Caprio

An environmental champion and capable of singlehandedly Making Recycling Sexy Again. But if Leo isn’t interested, I can imagine plenty more positions that I’d like for him. 

Secretary of Agriculture

Trump’s pick: Unknown

Nominee: Snoop Dogg Lion

This man knows his greens. Ain’t nothing but a Gov thing, babyyy.

Secretary of Transportation

Trump’s pick: Elaine Chao was the former Labor Secretary under GW Bush (everyones favorite) and is the wife of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. Simply put, both spouses are from the establishment sector that voters adamantly protested on both sides. 

Celebrity Nominee: Regina George

I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.

Secretary of Education

Trump’s pick: Betsy DeVos has been in the academic business in Michigan primarily working with Charter schools at the disadvantage to public schools. The biggest issue is that she has been criticized for seeing tuition profits as the main goal of education, rather than making it more accessible and productive for American students.

Celebrity Nominee: Oprah

YOU get an education, YOU get an education, EVERYBODY GETS AN EDUCAAATION

Secretary of Homeland Security

Trump’s Pick: Sherrif David Clarke has started working on his plans to send one million US residents to Guantanamo for “Jihadist language” online. Clarke has called the Black Lives Matter movement “Black Lies Matter” and does not see police brutality as an issue. Oh my Allah. I would elaborate, but I am two Jihad references (now three) deep and should start packing my bags for Guantanamo. To end on a positive note, I hear the weather in Cuba is lovely this time of year. 

Celebrity Nominee: Liam Neeson

An American treasure with a specific set of safety skills

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