Predicted Splits 2k17

Happy December!

Good news is that only weeks remain in one of the strangest years of human history. As the holidays approach, the country is more strung up and lit than the Rockefeller Tree. Everyone’s holiday wish lists include traveling back to a simpler time, like the 90’s, when our country’s biggest issues were Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and dial-up internet.

There’s a notion that the end of 2016 will be the end of madness.

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Calm is the new Fetch

Following Trump’s presidency, the Cubs world series victory and Brexit, the Bragelina split was a refreshing headline. Two years ago, that breakup would have rocked headlines for months. Instead, we all were surprised they lasted this long, shed a single tear and went back to tweeting #NeverTrump. My biggest hope for 2017 is that it’s the type of year where we have the energy to care about these types of things. 

As an early holiday gift to you, I present my predicted celebrity splits in the year to come. It might not be the holiday cheer you were expecting, but is there anything better than other people’s drama to take the focus off your own? 

1. Hillary and Bill Clinton

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In the last few decades, there have been as many divorce rumors as names on their body count. Between Bill’s Lewinkys, Flowers and Furtwänglers, Hillary would have been a feminist champion for leaving him, but needed the Clinton brand for her campaign. 

If Hillary Rodham were to leave the Clinton name off her ballot, she would not have made it near the primaries. With the election behind her, there is no political gain to staying married to her unfaithful husband.

Best case scenario, single 69-year-old Hillary teams ups with 61-year old Kris Jenner for a season-long special: Kris and Hillz take Boca Raton. Only on E! And HuffPost Live! 

Speaking of the Kardashians…

2. Tyga + Chyna + Rob + Kylie

To catch you up to speed:

  • Chyna and Rob pulled a MLK Jr. and had a baby Dream last
  • Chyna’s other son King, who has the most Kardashian name, isn’t one
  • Kylie and Tyga (King’s dad) have been more on-and-off and painful to watch than a brazilian wax
  • Rob may or may not be still texting other bitches
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Jury’s still out on this one.

It’s hard to Keep Up with who is dating who here, but I doubt any of them will be speaking in a year. Either that or the four of them will move into a house and film “Rob and Kylie Take Shit to A New Level” and go up against Game of Thrones to win the Emmy for Best Sibling Incest.

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3. Taylor and Drake

I KNOW I KNOW they aren’t official. But if Drake is instagramming a new girl, we know he has already confessed his love once and cried twice. I love both as artists and while I wouldn’t want either to go through a painful breakup, can you IMAGINE how good the music we could get out fo this next year?

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Drizzy, T-Swizzy and questionable flash tattoos

4.Bachelor Couples: Jordan and Jojo & “Grace” tattoo twins Grant and Lace

If Wonderbread Ben Higgins called off his wedding plans with Lauren Bushnell (spoilers), do any bachelor couples, or any of us, deserve love? Ben was smitten with Lauren since the cocktail party but then dragged her through saying I love you to both Lauren and Jojo Fletcher. After all that, I would have guessed that Lauren, the flight attendant, would have been prepared to take off.

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Do you get it

Ben’s love reject Jojo became the Bachelorette and is now engaged to football’s reject Jordan Rogers. Her fiancée has proven himself very dedicated to proving to the world that he definitely didn’t go on the show to improve his chances of becoming a football commentators (the “those who cant do” for athletes).

By the way Jordan, congrats on that new gig.

Jojo favored Jordan as obviously as Ben did Lauren as soon as the contestants stepped out of their limos, but Lauren didn’t go on the show as a career move. The likelihood of Jojo and Jordan making it down the isle is about the same odds Jordan and Aaron Rogers kissing and making up before the Super Bowl. It is a nice idea, but at the end of the day the love will dry up as soon as the endorsement deals do as well.

Meanwhile in paradise, Grace was the first solid paradise match but spent half the time bickering. Rather, Grant stared adoringly at Lace while she told him he repeated himself too often. If these two couldn’t stop fighting as a new couple in paradise, how are they supposed to be in a married couple in California?

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Update: Grace has called it quits because they’re dedicated Single Malt followers and took my advice.

Proud of you two.

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