If a guy wanted me to come over late, I prefer that they called me an Uber. After all, if I’m going to come on my own, I figured the same for when I got there. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take a Lyft during the day, but it’s all about UberX after dark.

It’s a sexier name for a ride; and almost aspirational. Like your driver might roll up, top down, in a speedo, blasting Pony by Ginuwine. You get in, they turn around,

Can I get your destination and safeword?

You fasten your seatbelts, maybe handcuffs, and realize the mini waters in the door are roofied. Be really specific if you need a phone charger, because if you ask for a plug you’ll get thrown an anal toy.

THAT, my rider, is an UberX.

You know what Uber X should be? Uber Pool after dark. Hear me out: you login through Tinder, and swipe through available co-riders until you match with a stranger for a cheap ride. Tell me how that doesn’t work perfectly for both apps.

Who needs to DM on Instagram, when you can slide into the back of a Toyota Corolla Hybrid?

Just, please be sure to get the license plate checked before each ride. Safety first, kiddos. And after you get out? Oh, you bet you’re getting a tip. Especially if you took more than just that.

And if the new UberX doesn’t make you want to get your back seat filled,

Maybe an… UberXL?

Uber Black?

In that case, your next ride is handicap accessible.

And right now, honestly, I don’t even want to get into the new Uber Eats is.