Charge My Kard

When I grow up, I want to be Kris Jenner. With a career in branding and marketing moving full steam ahead, the mogul-mom seems to be my ideal role model. Besides the whole ‘affair with OJ’ and then subsequent ‘marriage to a transgender Olympian,’ shes prevailed as the most shrewd and business-savvy Kardashian in all of Calabasas. 

Despite Kris’ genius, there are brand opportunities skipped and controversial branding tactics unreigned. Their biggest mistake was closing their original brand — Dash. While the stores suffered as just another LA casualty, they failed to do what they should have; lure in Kardashian fans for more than just a photo and 3rd-party labels. Dash never stocked Kylie Cosmetics, Good American Jeans, or KKW Beauty; the very things that Kardashian fans would have bought.

The family still has plenty to pay for; Kanye’s next idea, Khloe’s Facetune subscription, Scott Disik’s PR army, and Rob’s socks (both his line and personal Walmart bills). Now, each Kardashian’s will need to independently source their next projects for the sake of the family’s continuity.

Here are my ideas: 

1. Stormi Webster X Stormy Daniels

One of them is a porn star, the other is an infant. With the same experience of being picked up by strange, older people, this can be better monetized on Kris’ part. Isn’t a sexually explicit past exactly what the Kardashians cash in on? After checking out Kim’s iconic film debut with some of Stormy’s work on Pornhub — for strictly research purposes — it looks like Stormy might be the real star. Besides, wouldn’t the one ending in an “I” more likely be the one with the stripper career? For this reason, I am shocked Kris hasn’t capitalized on a spinoff, which is why I propose the following: Stormi and Stormy Take Mommy & Me-yokinos.

2. Khloe X Khloething

There isn’t a joke here, it’s just ridiculous it didn’t happen and she went with ‘Good American’. Their family isn’t known for taking political stances, or just call it the message she wants to get across: Body Positive Outfitters, Lip Kits Sold Separately.

3. Kendall X Coke

Yes she’s that thin, but stay with me here. Following Kendall Jenner’s Pepsi commercial, she should have teamed up with Coca-Cola, not unlike the Verizon guy who know voices Sprint. Plus, her family is no stranger to rebranding by changing teams. Just picture Kendall walking a runway with Coke bottles going off behind her as she walks like fountains. It’s iconic.

4. Everyone X Tropicana Orange Juice

Can you think of a better Kardashian campaign than “We Know OJ”?

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