Kanye West and I meet at a local wine bar in SoHo for a drink to discuss his latest projects and trade creative musings. Kanye arrives in all black, wearing the anticipated Yeezy 700s, and a second pair of 700 v2s wrapped loosely around his waist. Kanye sits down, animatedly describing the New York office he is scouting. Kanye requests we have a champagne toast before switching back to our usual Malbec.

A longtime reader of Single Malt, Kanye leans back, sipping his champagne. “I love drinking champagne in the new year,” he proclaims while softly untying the lace from his belt-shoe. “Bubbles be positive, you know? They’re always moving up. Striving to be at the top of the glass. You gotta live your life like bubbles; you gotta stay at the top of the glass.”

Single Malt: Can’t think of a better mentality to start off the year. Speaking of staying on top, how’s the fashion line going?

Kanye: Now I’m sure you noticed that I have TWO pairs of shoes on. That’s because I LIKE pairs, unlike Apples. Or Strawberries. I don’t like red fruit. Only Tomatoes, because they’re INNOVATIVE. Tomatoes exist in BOTH fruit and vegetable food groups. They’re like the bi-racial children of the produce aisle.

SM: Right, but then wouldn’t one pair of shoes be enough?

Ye: Ya’ll this shoelace has all the positive energy in the world. Those shoelaces are the middle bringing everything together. If you didn’t have shoelaces in sneakers you’d be barefoot. That’s not something I want. I am susceptible to ingrown toenails. I like to be like the shoelace, bringing the world together over love and music. You know?

SM: Got it. But why two pairs?

Ye: I am wearing two pairs of sneakers because my BRAND sales are inclining downwards and if all my fans are wearing two Yeezy pairs at once, that’s money straight in Jay-Z’s pocket.

SM: Double the profit, double the fun. Is it possible you’re too open with the public? For example, sharing your iPhone password in your meeting with Trump?

Ye: The problem with people is that they’re always trying to anticipate my next move, I ain’t got nothing but love, and I know the world knows my password, I’m just trying to share my truth. I’m just trying to share my apps.

SM: Who wouldn’t! Speaking of apps, why did the Kardashians decide to cancel theirs?

Ye: The Kardashian family understands the value of brand image; the look of it. They know how to get their name at the top of everything. That is why I’d like you to make ‘Kanye’ the first word of every line of the introductory sentence in this interview.

SM: You got it. I am a big fan of blind items, specifically Crazy Days and Nights by Enty. Can you shed any light on his claims, including that you are broke, bisexual, and more?

Ye: The only thing Blind I know is that my ancestors didn’t stop from being slaves for 400 years only because they didn’t open their eyes to the truths of the universe.

SM: That is… fair enough. Let’s move on. I must say,  I loved your video for ‘I Love It,’ and it might have had the most body-positive and gender-neutral costumes I’ve ever seen.

Ye: The fluidity of my art has always been important. That is why I drink a gallon of water before I perform. The pressure on my bladder is nothing compared to being both a STAR and a genius in today’s world. It’s all about the powers of fluid.

“The fluidity of my art has always been important. That is why I drink a gallon of water before I perform”

-Kanye West

SM: Speaking of drinking water, I tried your 2004 Workout Plan to build my booty, but it just got me pregnant.

Ye: Pregnancy is a choice, like slavery.

SM: So I do agree with half with half of that, and let’s leave the rest right here. Let’s get to the real questions: If I turned off the lights, left your house, made a left and went up the block, would you be at Drakes house?

Ye: I don’t exist in one space at any time, you couldn’t measure me on any scale known to mankind that I have not invented yet. 

SM: Fair enough. Always great to see you, Ye!

Cover photo courtesy of Drink Me