Plenty of Fish

I’ve yet to see The Shape of Water — all the references I hear are about fucking fish. While I’ve never fucked a fish, I’ve been on a date with a whole school of them in New York. From the guy with a  un(tin)canny resemblance to Tuna to those overly fixated on blowholes, I’ve caught & released plenty of fish — but have yet to reel in an Aquaman fully capable of flippin’ my fin to full fillet.

While there has been the occasional date where a guy preemptively whips out his swordfish — or more unfortunately — their guppy, I’ve kept swimming through the dating pool. Turns out, shooting fish into my barrel isn’t as easy as it sounds.

Rather than show you the fish that represents each of these dates, I decided to focus on the fish that most accurately fit my impressions and reactions to recent dates: the good, the bad and the scaly.

Without further due, enjoy a taste of my naughty-cal adventures:

When you’re so bored, hit the G-pen in the bathroom, come back and silently stare at the appetizer menu for 10 minutes
If I knew I’d dip after one vodka soda, I wouldn’t have shaved my whole body.
When he was great but then said he supports Boston sports team and is now just a liar
When he says he never understood the “hype” of Harry Potter
When he asks for my interests, I talk about writing, and he clarified he meant BDSM or just vanilla.
Please stop talking about fortnight.
When he takes you home, but failed to mention he still lives at home
When he makes more than $100K
When it’s 500K


Main image via Pinterest

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