I’ve yet to see The Shape of Water — all the references I hear are about fucking fish. While I’ve never fucked a fish, I’ve been on a date with a whole school of them in New York. From the guy with a  un(tin)canny resemblance to Tuna to those overly fixated on blowholes, I’ve caught & released plenty of fish — but have yet to reel in an Aquaman fully capable of flippin’ my fin to full fillet.

While there has been the occasional date where a guy preemptively whips out his swordfish — or more unfortunately — their guppy, I’ve kept swimming through the dating pool. Turns out, shooting fish into my barrel isn’t as easy as it sounds.

Rather than show you the fish that represents each of these dates, I decided to focus on the fish that most accurately fit my impressions and reactions to recent dates: the good, the bad and the scaly.

Without further due, enjoy a taste of my naughty-cal adventures:

Main image via Pinterest