Sailor Mouth

The only time I considered enlisting in the army was the day I took my PSATs. I sat at a folding table in my high school’s gym, looking dubiously at the scantron wondering if combat overseas would really be worse than this. 

If I joined the army, I could skip the freshman 15 and save 40k a year, I reasoned.

But 30 seconds of research that evening proved it’s not all camo jackets and Cadet Kelly twirls.  Who knew?

Plus, as a flat-footed Jew with the athletic coordination of Michael J. Fox, the only basic training I could master would involve simultaneously ordering Uggs and Starbucks.  

Unless it involves running

I’d have to serve my country in other ways. I proceeded to take my SATS and attend college. As a student, my most patriotic act included a somewhat successful attempt at making red and blue Jell-O shots.

Fleet Week 2017

So while out drinking with friends to celebrate post-Memorial Day weekend, I locked eyes with a boy across the bar. It was just like an old fashioned movie where a sailor locks eyes with a girl at a dance and fall in love, but at 2am in the East Village.

He introduced himself as Damon,* a part black, Asian and Hispanic Marine. He was the trifecta; charming, attractive and only in town for the night.

Also how are your shoulders larger than my head” “Do you want to dance,” I asked.

But it was more than physical attraction. Our conversation grew deeper as Damon taught me new things about his naughtical life.

For example, did you realize that Chip’s Ahoy cookies are a play on words for Ship’s Ahoy? 

As we continued to dance and flirt, I thought back to my high school gym and my PSATs. There was no scantron, I was ready to get filled in, for America.

Service a Marine

Marines spend most of their military time going down for expended periods of time, and are likely immune to the smell of fish. Plus, cue the sirens, mermaid fantasies are totally on the table.


It turns out, getting your fin flipped can get you very far, Ariel.



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