You Are What You Drink

Working as a writer bartender in the city provides an incredible people-watching experience. Similarly to how dog owners sometimes look like their pets, I’ve found drink orders often match the patron. Suits order top shelf vodka, girls who Instagrammed this bathing suit get Rosé (all day) and peasants get bud lite drafts. When making a first impression, such as on a first date, don’t forget your drink represents who you are.

So booze wisely.


This post is inspired by one girl on a first date who stared at the bar for 15 minutes and asked for just a “Cranberry Vodka.” Oh my Guinness. Were not in college anymore, Toto.

Plus, we’re all even using real IDs now.

Get it together.

Let’s say your next Tinder date orders a draft beer, a Long Island or a top shelf whiskey neat, it will shift your impression of them. Which is fair, considering all you’ve confirmed about them in person is their real height and current hairline situation.

So from the other side of the bar, I recommend the following:

1. Titos | Stick to this vodka, if you met on Bumble, are both young professionals and want to seem on-trend and “healthy” (it’s hand-made! and gluten free!). Also, if you’re drinking any vodka besides Titos nowadays, how did your finals week go?

2. Jameson | Jameson is the best whiskey value and has with hints of honey, tobacco, graham crackers and vanilla…according to Google.

Mix it with ginger ale or coke. If you’re taking shots, mix with sour mix, sprite and Peach Schnapps. Somehow, it tastes like Green Tea. Really. 

When the Molly gravity hits >>>

Also, and not making plans here, but if I were to dye my hair red & become a stripper, Jameson Ginger would be a great stage name for me.

3. Stella | It’s nice to enjoy drinking beer and seeming chill in front of guys… but really, you don’t and you’re not. But there’s an Artois form to making your date start Belgium out of his pants.

Forced puns aside, Stella’s light, commonly on draft and comes in a fancy goblet Chalice and out of all beers, tastes the least like beer, if you know what I mean. Cheers, princess.

4. Casa Migos | You’re openly trying to get drunk. Because it’s Tinder and he has nice arms and a tattoo that’s only mildly stupid. Order a round of this tequila every time you get the urge to go home, listen to Drake’s old music and call your ex. You can get as drunk as you like and still feel classy because this Tequila is organic. It’s practically a Mexican salad, but maybe don’t say that out loud.